Do you think you see yourself as you really are ?
When I was a teenager and a young adult, I had no doubt about how huge and fat I was !
But oh god I was so wrong.
I found that picture yesterday at my mum’s, there’s not much picture of me at that time because I was too ashamed of myself and I couldn’t stand being on any picture.
Being « fat » was already killing me inside, looking at my body in a mirror or worst a picture, there was no fucking way.
So to take me in picture, you had to be smart, and my boyfriend at the time manage to take that one, I don’t know how it survived so long, but here I am at 20/21 years old.
I must be a size 46FR/16UK and it was kind of “thin” for my high.
But I was sure I was enormous !
Of course, I couldn’t believe anyone saying something positive about me, I was ugly.
Don’t mention me being beautiful because it was obviously a lie !
I wasn’t feeling comfortable in my body, was hiding as much as I can, trying to find strange position in intimacy with my boyfriend so he wouldn’t see my belly.
I had a distorted vision of my body, saw myself like it I was 50kg more at least.
Was looking at the magazine and there was only mention of loosing 3kg, I thought I had to lose 15kg minimum to be acceptable.
After all, for the doctors my IMC was the one of an overweight woman, so there it was, I didn’t fit with the mould society wanted me in.
I think I could say, I had body dysmorphia. Was so obsess with how much fat I had on my belly, arms or legs… I didn’t know.
Funny thing, that’s when I finally took on 35 or more kg in a few month, when finally I was really fat, medecine would talk about « morbid obesity » that I finally start to reconcile with my body.
Finally, my reflection and my body where the same ! So there was no more internal conflict with the reality and my reality.
I would go even further, I was so big, and for real this time, there was such a gigantic gap between my body and the « normality », that I felt there were no use anymore to try to be a normal size.
Here was starting the long walk for acceptance and the work to feel good with myself and my body.
It doesn’t mean I was letting myself down, all the contrary, I was starting to heal myself from the inside, to find pease and sanity so I could be a healthy self, not just with my body.
There’s not one good or bad way to find peace with yourself.
I wish we had in that time all the ressource we can find on internet now, all the wonderful body positive exemple of woman like the famous Ashley Graham, and all the body positive Instagram, or story to read like mine.
We have the power now to share our story and to change the life of people, to change the line who are saying a plus size model is a size 40 to 46 max although plus size customer are usually starting at size 46.
Hope I can read your story soon.